Consequences of choices
by Doc Lee
Summary: Set post 8x02. Kate discovers the harsh consequences of her choice.


Here's the second of the stories that invaded my brain after watching 8x02. If you read my other 8x02 related story, then you'll know my feelings on this current arc.

The request in 'A Nightmare Choice' about not just posting complaints about the arc in reviews also applies here.

Disclaimer - the people that own Castle are the people that own Castle, I am definitely not part of that group

* * *

Kate Castle stood in the elevator up to the 12th's homicide division praying that she'd managed to cover up the puffy red eyes that betrayed her near sleepless night filled with silent sobs. The look on her father's face when she had appeared on his doorstep with a single duffle bag over her shoulder had filled her with shame and he'd made it quietly clear that, while she was his daughter and he loved her, the decision she'd made was completely wrong and if she still felt she had to chase down the people behind LOCSAT then it would be at the cost of their relationship.

'I buried my wife because of this,' Jim's voice had been thick with the tears that were in his eyes, 'I'm not burying my daughter as well.'

Closing her eyes and taking a deep breath, Kate opened them when the elevator bell chimed and walked confidently through the homicide bullpen to her office. She felt the stares on her back and sighed at the knowledge of her split with Rick. Pausing by her doorway, she watched Ryan and Esposito working by a whiteboard. Curiosity got the better of her and she crossed to where her former team stood.

'This a new case?' Kate's smile faltered when Ryan abruptly turned away, busying himself with some papers. Esposito twitched and turned to face her, a blankness in his eyes that sent Kate's stomach plummeting.

'Body dropped this morning,' Esposito's voice was void of the liveliness the man almost always had, 'single GSW to the back. He never knew what happened.'

'Damn,' Kate grimaced, 'Do we have a name?'

'Not yet Ma'am,' Esposito fished his buzzing phone out his pocket, 'Excuse me.'

Kate's vision blurred at the realisation of what had just happened. Somehow the two men she'd called brothers knew about her choice and they were freezing her out. Hurrying into her new office, Kate quickly closed the blinds before slumping onto the couch with a shaky breath. Ryan couldn't look at her and Esposito had treated her like a NYPD captain, not someone he'd known for almost ten years.

The phone on her desk burst into life, forcing Kate to regain her composure and face the rigours of being a Captain. Two hours later, Kate looked up from the file she was reading to see a stony faced Esposito stood in the doorway.

'Ma'am,' Esposito pointed over his shoulder out the door, 'We have a name for our victim and an address. Ryan and I are about to head there and talk to the widow.'

'You don't need to call me Ma'am Espo,' Kate winced at the flash of anger sent her way.

'With all due respect,' Esposito almost growled, 'You're the Captain now and we will treat you with the respect the rank alone deserves.'

'Javi...' Kate tried to speak, but was cut off by the growingly irate detective.

'If there's nothing more Ma'am, then we need to be heading out,' He didn't wait for an answer, slamming the door angrily behind him. The sound crashed into Kate, her whole body flinching violently. It wasn't the anger Esposito displayed that left Kate with tears in her eyes, she'd experienced his fury a few times over the years, it was the utter contempt he let show. Her cell burst into life and she felt her resolve return when she saw the now familiar name appear on screen.

A few hours, and a long boring finance meeting, later Kate decided she needed to stretch her legs for a few minutes. Spotting Ryan ducking out of sight into the break room when she entered the bullpen, Kate changed her intended destination and crossed the room to where the Irish detective was hiding.

'Kevin,' Kate watched his shoulders ripple with tension when she walked in the room, 'What's going on? Is it Jenny?'

'Ma'am,' the word was almost spat at Kate, leaving her feeling like ice, 'with respect the rank deserves, my relationship with my wife isn't important. After all, I'm not the one that chose to walk out on their spouse this week am I?'

'When Castle first arrived at the 12th,' Kevin didn't give Kate a moment to react before he started on her, 'And we saw just how enamoured he was with you, we all were scared. For you. We only really knew the guy as a playboy who slept his way through a long list of women and we didn't want you to be another on that list.'

'But... God,' Kevin's face radiated pure fury mixed with a little betrayal, 'If we'd known what we do now... Then we'd have warned him away from you, protected his heart from the agony you've put him through.'

'Kevin...' Kate whimpered, the now all too familiar feel of her eyes filling with tears back with a vengeance.

'You had everything you've wanted Kate,' Ryan shouted, long past caring who heard him, 'You had a life. You had a family. You had Castle... And you've chosen for some ungodly reason to just throw it all in the trash. Stomp all over him and rip his heart out.'

'And Alexis,' Ryan watched Kate's skin pale, 'Didn't think of her did you. You didn't think that having not one, but two maternal figures turn their backs on her would do. She's devastated and she's angry Kate. She's fucking furious. You may have just destroyed your relationship with her completely, I doubt she'll ever be able to trust anyone like that ever again and that's all on you!'

'I've been your friend for about nine years now,' Ryan's shoulders slumped, the fury in his voice replaced by resignation, 'But now, seeing how you've treated Castle, the man you professed to love completely... I don't want to be your friend. I don't want to have to ready myself every day for you to fuck me over, because if you can do that to him... Then what are you prepared to do to us?'

Kate was frozen to the spot, Ryan's truths striking home hard leaving her fighting to fall apart in the middle of the break room. She didn't hear him storm out the room, the door slamming shut behind him. A horrific realisation dawned that she was alone, that the people who had stood by her for years were walking away from her. Not because they wanted to, but because she'd driven them away with her actions.

Was this how her father had felt the night Kate had stopped enabling his drinking? Was this the same pain he'd gone through.*

Blinking, she started as she took in the different surroundings of the corridor outside the morgue. So lost in her thoughts that she couldn't remember walking down to the underground floor. It wasn't just the chill coming through the double doors beside her that shivered up her spine. She knew that Lanie was going to have an opinion on Kate's actions, and that it was almost certainy going to be similar to Ryan and Esposito's, but a faint spark of hope flared in her that Lanie might understand. That she may be able to see why Kate had taken the actions she had.

Stepping into the room, Kate instantly realised that the hope was just a delusion.

The utter contempt Lanie displayed was enough for Kate to realise that her final hope of support among her friends had evaporated.

'Ma'am?' Lanie seethed, 'Is there something you needed? I'll have the reports on your desk in an hour or so.'

'Lanie...' Kate stumbled forward, only to be stopped in her tracks by her best friend's palm.

'Don't you dare,' Lanie's voice displayed her anger and hurt, 'Don't you goddamn dare.'

The folder in Lanie's hand slapped against the empty slab, 'five minutes. That's how long I was sat on you trying to keep that heart beating after you were shot. Five minutes of absolute hell not knowing if my best friend...' Lanie's voice cracked, 'Was... Was going to live or die. I literally had your life in my hands Kate.'

'I heard that man beg for that heart to keep beating,' Lanie's hands moved animatedly as she spoke, 'He flat out begged to whoever is up there that he would do anything as long as you lived... And you did... And you lied to us. You got scared and you ran away.'

'I can understand that,' Lanie sighed, 'You were stupid to do that, but I can understand why you did it... But this... This is inexcusable. This isn't a threat coming after you again, this is you choosing to throw away a wonderful life with a man that loves you to pursue a shadowy figure that will kill you before you can get near him.'

'You've ripped his heart out Kate,' Lanie's voice cracked again, 'You've ripped it out and stomped all over him and everyone else that loved you. We've stood beside you in your fight with Bracken, we've suffered through it all with you, but now I'm done.'

'If you're set on chasing down this new Son of a Bitch over your amazing life with friends and family that adore you,' Lanie sucked in a shuddering breath, visibly preparing herself for what she was about to say, 'then I'm done. From now on, we're just colleagues and I'd like you to respect that.'

Lanie turned and started across the morgue to her small office, pausing at the open door, 'If there isn't anything you need Captain, then I'm going to finish the stack of reports I've got.' She refused to look back at Kate knowing that if she did, then she wouldn't be able to stop herself from gathering the openly sobbing woman in her arms.

Kate was glad that the morgue was nearly empty as it allowed her to escape to a nearby storage without anyone seeing her tears. She slumped against the door and slid to the floor, body shaking sobs smothered by her hands as she tried to comprehend just how alone her decision had left her. She'd chosen to walk away from her husband and in doing so, she'd destroyed all of the relationships she held most dear to her. Not even her own father was there to catch her this time and for the first time in almost two decades, Kate felt completely alone.

The guilt she felt over the death of the AG team had hung over her like a heavy fog when she'd decided to chase down LOCSAT. The burden of what she had done clouded her judgement and now Kate could see just how badly she'd screwed up.

The buzzing of her phone cut through her grief and she had to take a series of heavy breaths to calm herself before she could answer. Despite her effort, LT questioned her condition before reminding Kate of the meeting she had in a few minutes time.

The rest of the day, Kate acted on autopilot. Walking across the 12th's underground lot to her car Kate couldn't remember much of what she had done since the confrontation with Lanie. The remainder of the day had seen her stuck behind her desk either holding meetings with various department heads or filling out request forms for new equipment for the 12th.

Slumping into the drivers seat, Kate sighed heavily. The question as to how she would be able to mend the broken mess she'd made swirled through her head. Turning the key, Kate reversed out of parking bay as her phone buzzed into life.

'Vic,' Kate started the first step of what may be a futile attempt to mend her biggest mistake, 'I'm out. I can't do this.'

'I don't understand.'

'It's costing me too much,' Kate blinked back the tears for the umpteenth time, 'I've got too much to lose in this fight. My life has been filled with an obsession to take down Bracken and it nearly cost me my life multiple times. Going after LOCSAT will kill me, I know it will this fight is a futile one for me and as much as I need to get justice for the team, I can't.'

'I've probably already lost my husband Vic,' Kate sniffled, her car slowly rolling along the concrete lot, 'And my friends are all turning their backs on me.'

'Then you've got nothing to lose,' Vic argued, 'Kate... We can't stop now.'

'If there's even the slimmest chance I can repair my life,' Kate steeled herself in the decision she was making, 'Then I have to. I'm making the choice. LOCSAT or my life... I'm choosing my life. I'm sorry if you can't agree with me, but I have to do this.'

There was a long period of silence before Vic sighed in defeat, 'I get it Kate. I won't contact you again. I hope you can fix things.'

'So do I,' Kate heard the call end and dropped her phone into the cradle on the dash. She knew there was a long road to go before she could make up for her stupidity, but she was going to take it in both hands and not let go. Reaching the street, Kate decided to strike while the iron was hot and pulled out into traffic towards what she hoped was still her home.

The sound of screeching tires snapped her head to the left just in time to see the speeding taxi slam into the side of her car. Screeching metal and pain was all Kate knew before it went dark.

* * *

'Ah,' A gentle female voice spoke in the agonisingly white light, 'Sleeping beauty awakes. We were wondering when you were coming back to us Captain.'

'R'k?' Kate mumbled through dry lips, 'Ri'k?'

'Relax Captain,' A small hand pressed against her shoulder, the blinding light dimming to a soft glow, 'Sorry about the lights, we should have turned them down a while ago. You're in the hospital. You were in a crash, do you remember?'

'Lights...' Kate hissed painfully, 'Noise... Pain... What happened?'

'Some poor sod high on a number of different things stole a cab and ran into you,' Kate turned her head to find a short white haired nurse sat on a chair beside her, 'He was killed instantly and they had to cut you out of your vehicle. You suffered a clean break to your left leg, bruised ribs on your right side and a *nasty bump to the head. All in all, you were lucky Captain. The EMTs said they were surprised that anyone had survived the damage to you vehicle, let alone with as few injuries.'

'Who are you?' Kate turned her head to find a pitcher of water beside her bed. The nurse quickly stood and poured a dribble into a plastic cup.

'I'm Linda... Whoa! Slow your horses,' Linda admonished Kate when she tried to twist to gulp at the offered water, 'you've got some painful injuries Kate, you don't want to make them worse.'

'Maybe I deserve to,' Kate whispered darkly. The Nurse narrowed her eyes at Kate, the rebuke on the tip of her tongue when Kate asked a question she didn't want to know the answer to, 'Have you contacted my next of kin?'

Linda sat down and levelled Kate with a sympathetic look, 'They're not coming sweetheart. We spoke to your stepdaughter, but once she realised you were going to be okay, she hung up on us. Your father's number went straight to a voicemail stating he was going fishing and a Dr Parish flat out refused to come. I know it's not my place, but what did you do honey?'

'I messed up,' Kate let the tears flow down her face, 'I made a choice that has ruined everything.'

'I got some people killed,' Kate whimpered, uncharacterisiticly unloading on the stranger, 'People I used to work with died because I poked my nose into something I shouldn't have done. It's my fault they're dead and I... I felt that I owed it to them to find the man who had them killed but... But to do so I had to choose between chasing him down or my family..' Kate started sobbing, 'And I chose wrong. I chose the fight over the man I loved... And I've lost everything.'

'What are you going to do about it Kate?' Linda leant forward, awaiting the answer while stroking Kate's hand soothingly.

'I've given up the fight,' Kate sobbed, 'I'm walking away. I gave up before the accident and I was on my way to tell Rick when it happened. I don't know how to do the rest, but I know I'm not chasing down the man that killed my team.'

Linda grinned, stepping away from Kate to lean against the end of the hospital bed, 'Good girl. Your team was given the same choice and they refused to leave me alone. Their deaths were their own choice. You have a chance to walk away and leave me be Kate.'

'You're LOCSAT?' Kate couldn't believe what was happening.

'I'm the one behind it all,' Linda smirked, 'That's all you'll ever know other than this... If I find that you've been looking into me,' The warm facade melted away to leave Kate icy cold with terror, 'then I'm going to find where that lovely Alexis is and I'm going to kill her myself... Maybe in a dark alley and leave her to die slowly in a pile of garbage. There will not be another warning, so the choice you make here will decide what happens to you and your family.'

'I choose them,' Kate instantly answered, 'I choose them... If they'll still have me. Your actions will catch up with you one day Linda, but I vow on the life of my family, justice will not be wearing my face when you face it. You've won this battle.'

'Oh I have no doubt that the young man you were working with would have made the same choice,' Kate's face paled at the implication, 'If he'd been as sensible as you were... Shame.'

'My time is up,' Linda glanced at the clock of the wall, 'Goodbye Kate.'

The door opened and Kate spotted the familiar shape of LT stood just outside the door, standing guard. The door swung shut, leaving Kate alone with her thoughts and the grief that another person had died because of her search. Rolling onto her side, Kate curled into as much of a ball that her injuries allowed and let her tears flow. She didn't know, or care, how long she cried for, her exhausted body eventually succumbing to sleep.

'Kate,' A hand stroked over her arm, the gentle tone not stopping her from jerking awake with a pain filled groan. Lifting her head, Kate almost couldn't believe who was perched on the edge of the bed next to her.

'Rick? What are you doing here?'

'LT called mother,' Rick explained, 'He told her what happened and where you were, and she immediately stormed into the office to drag me up here to see you. She's outside and raring to give you a stern talking to about your stupidity when she first gets a chance.'

'I deserve it,' Kate wanted to reach out and touch Rick, but she didn't know if he would let her or not, 'I deserve all your hatred for what I did.'

'They died because of me,' Kate whimpered, 'the entire AG team dead because I couldn't stop myself from dipping back into the obsession. Their blood is on my hands...'

'I didn't know how to atone,' Rick sat quietly as Kate spoke, knowing the signs in the woman he still loved that told him she needed to talk, 'How to make things right than to chase her down and make her pay for what she did... It was an all encompassing craving to fight against the threat she posed. I couldn't think of anything but fighting her.'

Rick held back from asking why Kate was referring to the person behind LOCSAT as a woman.

'Dad has his bottle and I have this,' Kate sniffled, 'I don't want this feeling anymore.'

'She sat there,' Kate pointed over her shoulder to the chair, 'And pretended to be a nurse. The bitch behind LOCSAT was in this room. She gave me the choice again... That fucking choice.'

'What did you choose?'

'Not her,' Kate watched the dullness in Rick's eyes spark with hope, 'I don't want her... Not if it costs me my family. I vowed that I would stop trying to find her because... I had a more important fight...'

'I love you Kate,' Rick's simple words swept over Kate, his next sending an icy chill up her spine, 'But right now I don't trust you.'

'What can I do to fix that?' Kate wept, her hands scrambling for Rick's, 'Please... Tell me how to fix this?... Tell me it can be fixed.'

'It depends on how badly you want me,' Rick wanted nothing more than to gather Kate in his arms and tell her it was going to be alright, but the anger and devastating pain her leaving had filled him with stopped him, 'You're seeing Burke again and I want you to see an addiction specialist as well. You have to make me trust you again Kate, you have to earn my trust... And your place back in our bed. While your injuries heal, I'll be sleeping either in my office or in the spare room, but when you are able to safely make it up the stairs, you'll sleep in the spare room until you've earned the right back beside me.'

'I've run after you ever since we met on that rooftop,' Rick's low tone scared Kate, 'Over and over again, I've chased you. Even when you were running from me, I chased you. I'm not running now. It's your turn Kate. Show me how much you want me, want us. Chase me, chase us...'

'O-okay,' Kate nodded, 'I know it can't begin to make up for what I've done to you... But I'm sorry Rick.'

'I know you are,' Rick leant down and pressed his lips against Kate's forehead. Cupping her cheek with his palm, He locked his eyes on hers, 'But Kate... This is it. Final chance. If I find you've been chasing LOCSAT behind my back then I will have divorce papers written up and you will lose me. For good.'

'She threatened Alexis,' the fear in Kate's voice filled the room, 'She stood at the end of my bed and told me if I ever tried to take her down, then she'd kill Alexis herself. If you trust me on only one thing right now, then please let it be this... I will NEVER put your daughter at risk. Ever.'

'That I trust you're telling the truth,' Rick shivered, the raw honesty in Kate's eyes leaving him with no doubt of her vow. Sitting up, he turned his head to look around the room, 'LOCSAT was really here?'

'Sat in that chair when I woke up,' Kate shifted painfully to point at the plastic chair, 'Dressed up like a nurse. Told me what had happened and sat there acting sympathetic as I unloaded on her. I said I wasn't chasing her anymore, that she'd won this battle... And I meant it. I think she believed me.'

'You'd better,' Rick's face turned stony, the anger he had been suppressing slipping through, 'I also meant it Kate. This is it for me. I married you because I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you, but I am not going to sit here like a chump when you decide you need another danger fix and you leave me again. You cannot begin to understand how badly you hurt me with what you've done.'

'I know...' Kate grimaced when she tried to move, 'Ow...'

'Lay still and I'll go get a doctor,' Rick made to stand, but Kate's grip on his hands stopping him, 'Kate...'

'Press the alarm,' Kate begged, 'Please... I know I have no right to say this, but please don't leave.'

Rick watched Kate cry softly, the conflict in him raging until he sighed and reached over her to press the button. He stood at the end of the bed until the doctor had made sure that Kate's pain wasn't a sign of a more serious injury and that she was receiving the right amount of meds before he sat beside her again.

'Rick?' Kate didn't care how weak and small she sounded, 'Can... Can i have a hug?'

Shifting across the bed, Rick leant back against the raised pillows and held out his arm to allow Kate to shuffle against him.

'I love you,' Kate whispered, her eyes dropping, 'And I'm going to fight for us... Fight until my final breath to make you believe that I love you.'

* * *

The loft door swung shut behind Kate as she slipped into the home after a long day riding the captains desk. Slipping out of her flats, Kate flexed her still healing leg and limped over to the kitchen. Six months after her accident, Kate still felt the injury to her leg but the rest of the physical signs of the crash had long since healed.

'You're back,' Kate jumped at the sound of Alexis Castle, a hiss of discomfort in her leg as she spotted the redhead leaning against the doorframe to Rick's office, 'Long day?'

'Mentally long,' Kate sighed, 'Couldn't stop thinking about what Burke said this morning.'

As Kate had expected, her relationship with Alexis had been in tatters when she was released from hospital and it took a month before she even saw her and another two filled with anger from Alexis. The fourth month post the disaster had been when things reached a head and to say that the explosion had been immense would have been an understatement. Alexis didn't let anything stay behind when she let rip, every bit of the anger and hurt she'd felt was hurled at Kate. The fight had lasted most of the day and ended with both Kate and Alexis curled up beside the kitchen counter sobbing into each others arms.

As expected, Jim was both the easiest person and the hardest for Kate to repair the relationship with. The look on his face when he opened his door to find Rick's arm around Kate's waist was enough to tell her she was forgiven, but he made her explain her actions to him in full. Esposito had flicked Kate's forehead and wrapped her in a hug when Rick had convinced him to see her in hospital.

Lanie had taken a weekend long talk in the Hampton's and a scary amount of wine before she started to forgive Kate. Like Jim and Alexis, Lanie made Kate explain in explicit detail why she'd made the choices she had and didn't hold back with her own thoughts on the matter. The hangover Kate sported on Monday hadn't fully left by Wednesday.

Surprisingly, Ryan had been the hardest to apologise to and even after he'd eventually forgiven her, the damage to their relationship was painfully obvious. Ryan had even requested a temporary reassignment to a different precinct, something that Kate had quickly agreed to, in an attempt to deal with his thoughts on what Kate had done. Kate never stopped trying and the first time he'd made a step back towards her had left Kate sobbing with relief in Rick's arms.

Burke's sessions had been daily at the start, his questions rough and difficult for Kate to answer. Most days, Kate had left the sessions feeling worse than when she'd arrived but slowly, and with the help of an addiction specialist he'd advised her to see, Kate had found a way to handle the guilt around the AG team's deaths and was able to conquer the demons that had plagued her since her mothers death. The urge to run into a mystery still tugged at her sometimes, Kate finding it worse when she saw her 'boys' with a case involving children, but each time she was able to resist with either Rick's presence or an emergency session with Burke.

Kate still slept in the spare room, the hurt at the empty space beside her each morning helping her drive to better herself. She didn't want to interpret the signs, but Rick's recent actions had bolstered the hope that she was nearing the point that he trusted her again.

'Oh...' Alexis sighed. Kate watched the conflict battle across her face and tentatively reached out in their still healing relationship.

'Do you wanna talk about it?' Alexis' uncertain shrug sent Kate into the freezer, fishing out a tub of ice cream and two spoons from the drawer. A soft smile ghosted across Alexis' lips and she pushed off the doorframe and padded across to where Kate perched herself on a stool, 'What's wrong?'

'I kinda slept with someone,' Alexis' face heated up under Kate's cheeky grin, 'And I'm not really sure what it means.'

'Who was it?' Kate scooped a spoonful of ice cream into her mouth. Her loud bark of surprise at the name Alexis gave her echoed through to where Rick was sat behind his desk.

Sliding his chair across to spot his wife and daughter in the kitchen, Rick relaxed when he realised that the shout wasn't something he needed to worry about.

Turning back to the chapter he was writing, Rick once again thanked whoever was watching over him that Kate had fought for their marriage with the fervour that made him fall in love with her in the first place. He'd watched her struggle, heard her quiet weeping late at night when she thought he was asleep in bed, and he knew that she loved him just as much as he loved her. The few times that he'd attended Burke's sessions had helped him to understand Kate's warped reasoning behind her actions.

He'd also seen the bone shaking terror on her face when she'd seen morgue photos of the woman behind LOCSAT up on Ryan's murder board. He'd held her all the way home and let her loose when they discovered both Jackson and Rita waiting for them in the Loft. The two spies barely survived her reaction when they told her that the entire evil cabal that had ultimately resulted in her mother's murder had been obliterated.

'Rick?' He looked up to find Kate leaning against the doorframe, 'Alexis is going to be okay.'

'I know,' Rick smiled, closing his laptop, 'Though I owe Javi ten dollars now. Can't believe he saw it and I didn't... I work with both of them!'

'Sometimes the simplest things are the hardest to grasp,' Kate yawned, 'I'm going to bed. G'night.'

Kate turned and started across the open loft floor, her hand reaching out to hold onto the rail when Rick's voice stopped her in her tracks.

'Where are you going?' Kate started shaking, not wanting to believe that the next words from Rick would be the ones she hoped.

'Bed?' Her voice shook just as violently as her hands, Kate turning wet eyes to her husband.

Rick attempted to look nonchalant, but the worry shone from him, 'Kate... I trust you, come to bed honey.'

Forcing herself not to run, Kate quickly crossed the room, her tears soaking Rick's shirt when she wrapped her arms around him.

'Thank you,' Kate sobbed, 'Thank you.'


End file.
